This Parenting Story Will All Make Sense, Not When I’m Older, But When I’m Ready and Willing

We were eating dinner in our little French kitchen, as a family, the 5 of us.

Since Lindsay and I work from home, I let the fact that my kids have been out of school for over a week wear me out a little.

I’ve been butting heads with my 7 year old son in particular.

After a run-in with him 2 days ago, I found myself thinking “I don’t know if he’ll ever understand the consequences we give him.”

The Run-In

Sunday morning he really tested the limits.

He started with a door slam, then some yelling (he yells it in the middle of us giving him the next consequence), throwing things, refusing to get dressed for church.

I think he’s sometimes trying to give us consequences.

Meanwhile, Linz and I are trying to find the right consequence to put a stop to this, before he breaks something, and so we can get ready and out the door for church.

As his behavior escalated, the type of consequence escalated. Taking away toys. No Mine-Craft on the kindle today, or tomorrow. And various other experimental strategies. He finally stopped and just cried.

At this point, I almost don’t even remember how it all started.

Part of me feeling justified, like a good parent. It’s good for kids to learn this stuff at home so they don’t end up in jail.

Part of me feeling guilty. I don’t know if I like how I handled this.

He spends the morning recovering. Saying things like “Dad was being mean to me” and “This is the worst day ever.”

He’s taking space from me. I’m taking space from him.

Things simmer. And we move on.

Had I Really Though?

So here I am at dinnertime, questioning whether I really have moved on.

Sometimes I’m better at seeing him as

  • “Behaving just as he’s meant to.”
  • “This is perfect for where he is at in his learning process.”
  • “This is meant to be.”

Even though I’ve experienced how much more effective these thoughts are, I wasn’t quite going for it this time.

In reality, this day I was thinking more like

  • “He should know better by now.”
  • “This is unacceptable.”
  • “This should not be happening.”

Feeling a mix of frustration and anger.

I think I was just as angry and frustrated with myself as I was with him.

The Profound Snowman

Before dinner, we’d been watching Frozen 2 together, where Olaf, the magical snowman, sings a song that repeats the phrase, “This will all make sense when I am older” all while experiencing some unpleasant and frightening things in the enchanted forest.

Part of what’s so funny about this song is the irony. Just because you are older, it does not mean that things will automatically make more sense to you.

It doesn’t have as much to do with getting older as it does with our willingness (and choice) to see things differently.

Hindsight is not automatically 20/20. It is 20/20 when we are willing to really look at and learn from something.

Dr. Joe Dispenza says “A memory, without the emotional charge, is wisdom.”

Sometimes I experience more clarity about something quite quickly after it is over.

Other times, it has taken me years to realize something that, once realized, seems so obvious that I almost kick myself for not seeing it sooner.

Marcus’s Unexpected Response

I was hoping that our confrontation would all make sense to Marcus, not only when he’s older, but also right now, at this dinner.

So Lindsay, improvising with her smooth, mom-ish swagger, asks the kids “What is something you think will make more sense when you’re older?”

People give their answers and then it’s Marcus’s turn. Without much hesitation, the first thing that comes out of his mouth is:

“Consequences.”

This was incredible to me. I was completely shocked.

In this moment, I believe that he will understand consequences and maybe already does more than I know.

This really took me off guard.

And I realize, Marcus is right where he needs to be in his learning process.

And I think I am too.

Like Olaf says in the song: “And so I know, this isn’t bad. It’s good.”

 

When it comes to learning to not look at porn, how many times have you told yourself:

  • “I should be further along by now.”
  • “This is unacceptable.”
  • “This should not be happening.”

But what if where you are at in your progress isn’t bad, it’s good.

What if trusting that you can choose to make more sense of it when you’re older, helps you make a little more sense of it right now.

Maybe instead of this happening TO you, it is happening FOR you.

  • Your past is what it was meant to be.
  • You are right where you need to be in your process.
  • Your future is bright.

Choose a New Level of Consciousness Instead of Waiting For It

Albert Einstein said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”

Rather than wait for a new “level of consciousness” to just come to you automatically, you can choose it right now.

How willing are you to see things differently right now?

How much time will you let pass before you try something new that actually does make more sense for you?


Need help learning the users’ manual for your brain?
Check out my How to Stop Looking at Porn Program by scheduling a free mini-session with me. Find out more about a mini-session: click here.

And, as always, feel free to email me at danny@dannypoelman.com with any questions or just to connect.

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