I Shouldn’t Have Done That

Sometimes there’s this idea that gets in our heads: I shouldn’t have done that.

We do this because it seems like it’s part of trying to do and be better. 

It seems like it is us owning up to something. 

Maybe it’s part of how we make up for something if we’ve wronged someone else. 

Let’s get some things straight. I think it is very important to own up to mistakes. It is also very important to say sorry when appropriate. On top of that, it is really helpful when we can learn from our past.

“I shouldn’t have done that” seems harmless enough at first glance, and even seems like a really good idea. I think it’s very natural for a lot of us. But there are some pitfalls to this seemingly harmless phrase that we let run through our brains. 

A Closer Look.

I shouldn’t have done that is like saying “That shouldn’t have happened.” If we’re not careful, it can turn in to rejecting reality. When you reject reality, you start heading toward fantasy land. 

Going to fantasy land is what got you looking at porn in the first place. Many of us use porn to escape a reality that we don’t think we’re ready to face.

A More Empowering Alternative

Accept what happened. Practice saying “I did do that,” “That did happen.” That way “should/shouldn’t” doesn’t matter at this point.

This allows you to start looking at why it happened. 

The more you increase your consciousness of what led you to look at porn/masturbate, the easier it will be to not do it in the future. But first you have to accept the reality of what happened.

When you reject how you did something in the past, you reject part of yourself. Rejecting yourself is another part of what leads a lot of us back to using porn.

You DID look at porn. You did it for a reason. You may not think it was the best you had to offer at the time, but since it really happened in the real world it actually is the best you had to offer at the time.

Practice saying “I did do that.” Look at what actually happened and try to take all the drama out. Then you can look at why. This way you can learn from it.

Example: Looking For The Keys to My Porsche

Saying “That shouldn’t have happened” is like me trying to get somewhere and getting stuck looking for the keys to my Porsche. The reason I can’t find them? I don’t even have a Porsche – yet 😉 

But I do have a perfectly good car that will get me where I need to go. So why do I keep looking around for the keys to my car that doesn’t exist?

I can look at my real car that does exist and own the fact that it’s mine. Then I can use the real keys to my real car to get wherever I want to go, even if I take some wrong turns along the way.

“But It’s Different With Me”

Some of you might say, “Well, but if you looked at porn and masturbated X amount of times like me and in the way that I did it, then you would be saying I shouldn’t have done that too.” 

It doesn’t matter what I say.

What matters is you can choose what to think of yourself.

You can choose to reject the reality of your past and never deal with it.

Or you can choose to accept it, own it, learn from it, and actually grow from this point forward.

And if the growth is “painfully slow” from your perspective. Just remember you get to choose whether to accept the reality of the rate at which you grow or reject it.

The ironic thing is, you thinking it is too slow will actually slow you down.

Don’t limit yourself. Be willing to stretch your imagination on what is possible for you.

Seriously, the choice is yours.


Take your self-care to the next level and check out my How to Stop Looking at Porn Program by scheduling a free mini-session with me. What are you waiting for? Click here.

For a free jumpstart on learning the skill of not looking at porn check out my guide:  “How to Stop Looking at Porn.”

1 thought on “I Shouldn’t Have Done That

  1. One of the greatest gifts we have is choice–there is a choice in every situation. I really like how you talk about change in this post. You put into words what I’ve been trying to articulate for years. Thank you for sharing what you have learned. You have a powerful, knowledgeable, and humble voice.

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