Our Story. Pornography, Marriage, Success, and Healing. Part 8 of 9: Enter Life Coaching

His

Lindsay went away to a Life Coach conference. It cost “a lot” of money. She would be gone for several days. We had just barely finished moving and a very busy week of accounting deadlines for her. I was tired and was bugged that I’d be taking care of the kids alone for a few more days. Just because I’d progressed leaps and bounds didn’t mean my anxiety didn’t still pop up.

Is this worth it?I thought. I want to support her. She is so excited. But does it have to be right now? Turns out I survived (unlike my brain told me would happen).

Lindsay came back walking on air. She was lighter, smiling more, energized, motivated, more confident. Not that she wasn’t already amazing. But something was different about her, in a big way. I thought it might last just a few days until she came down from her high. But it has continued. She has not looked back.

She was so empowered. Our relationship was better. What happened at this training? I’m not saying it’s all peaches and cream, but the way she would handle the non-peaches and cream times changed too. I became really curious about this training.

I’m not sure if I really plateaued in my therapy, but I had become pretty willing at this point, with some nudging sometimes, to try new things that might be helpful. I finally started looking into this method of Life Coaching Lindsay had been inviting me to check out. It’s the real deal.

It’s like they took all of the best, most effective things I’d learned in 3 years of investing heavily ($50,000+) in healing my mind, combined them, and took them to this whole other level.

Linz asked if I want to do the training. Not now. Not for that much money. I can just borrow Lindsay’s materials. I signed up for a 6 month training with live online classes. I was terrified. Turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life.

Her

I found a life coach. Learned some incredible stuff. I wanted more. I decided with a leap of faith to apply to become certified as a coach. When I applied I didn’t know if it would be my end game but I could feel in my bones that it would get me a step closer to doing what I’m truly passionate about.

I learned some great things as I got trained. I spent a week applying all of the tools to myself. Remember that old idea that “once he gets better we’ll be better?” or the thought “He needs to start working again—for his own good?” I decided they didn’t serve me. What if the best thing I could do for our marriage was to work on my own growth regardless of what he decides to do?

My choice to take care of myself—really take care of myself—was one of the best things I could have done for our marriage. I realized and put into practice the idea that “I don’t need him to be a certain way to be ok. Danny gets to just be who he is and I’ll worry about myself for a while.”

Our relationship grew to a healthy level of interdependence. I finally started dropping the weight that I had put on a solid pregnancy weight gain in about 18 months time (and no baby to boot!). Danny had the space to just be. These tools changed my life in all of the best ways.

If this sounds surreal or unbelievable to you, it’s because you’re getting a high level take on the deep work I did for myself that I can’t get into in one blog post. But I promise you, it made all the difference.

Our

Danny

Investing in ourselves worked. The human brain is the most powerful tool on the planet. Your brain affects everything in your body and in your life. Everything starts there. It worked to recognize that nothing is more worth investing our time/energy/money in than learning to manage our minds.

Life Coaching works. Not procrastinating worked. There is always a reason to put this off. Actually, your brain is designed to avoid things that can change your situation.

Lindsay

It may have been meant to be that Danny and I tried ALL THE THINGS to get better. For us, when we were suffering, we wanted to find peace regardless of how.

I don’t care that my life coach didn’t have a doctorate degree because through her, I got results. Results like I’ve never seen. Expecting Danny to start working again on my time clock didn’t work. There were times I thought he was ready and would try to push him in that direction, but he was the only one that truly knew. The thought “I want him to work for his own good” sounds loving and pure, but it ultimately aligns with my thought from a previous post “help him be ok so we can go back to normal.” Why did I really want him to work? I wanted to feel relief.

Eventually I realized I could create the peace I was seeking for myself and not expect him to behave in a certain way so that I could feel better. We do this all the time as humans. We do it with kids, relatives, friends, neighbors, and more. Can you think of a similar experience where you were on the receiving end of someone wanting you to do something “for your own good?” Doesn’t feel that good, right? Personally, I don’t like how it feels. So I eventually stopped thinking those thoughts about ‘what was best’ for him, because only he knows.

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2 thoughts on “Our Story. Pornography, Marriage, Success, and Healing. Part 8 of 9: Enter Life Coaching

  1. Danny ~. Thank You for all your work and sharing. So full of hope and healing and happiness. YOU’re HEROIC!

    1. Thanks Pam. The goal of this process has been to reach more people that need help because I know how to help them now. But it has been another step of growth for myself as well. It has given me an opportunity to take my self-acceptance to the next level. I can look at my past and judge and condemn myself which will give me more of the old results.
      Or I can look back and say it was meant to be. Some people think this idea is just to absolve myself from responsibility and will encourage doing whatever I want with no accountability. But I’ve found the opposite to be true. Creating more feelings of self-acceptance in me drives me toward the results I am looking for.
      My worth as a human never has and never will have anything to do with my actions in the past, present, or future. This is true for every human.
      When I believe I am unworthy as a human, my brain will find ways to prove me right and this can lead to activities that I believe make me unworthy. When I disconnect porn-use from my worthiness as a human, it interrupts this process.
      If I also learn to believe in my unchangeable worthiness then my brain starts working on trying to prove that right. So much more useful and effective!
      Even if sharing our story does not help anybody else, it has been an incredible opportunity for me. But I know it will help other people too. Bonus!

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